About 6 months ago one of my poems was accepted to be published by Breath and Shadow which is an online literary journal that caters to people with disabilities. Their next few issues were full but I was finally in this month's issues. Here it is http://www.abilitymaine.org/breath/spr14b.html and I'm pretty excited because they have about 1,200 readers. That means at least 1,000 more people are going to know my name.
Anyway, I wanted to give some background into this piece I wrote. It's dark. I wrote it a little over a year ago after losing two friends, within two months of each other, under the age of thirty. Needless to say I was depressed and for some reason I write my best work when I'm depressed. I don't like talking about my feeling thus writing them down is my coping mechanism. Looking at this poem now I don't even feel the same way about love but at the time it summed me up perfectly.
My feelings towards the concept of romantic love is ever changing. I guess I've always subconsciously believed in it because I'm a hopeless romantic. I might talk a lot of crap about being “mushy gushy” but at the end of the day I want to believe that somewhere out there the love between two people really can conquer all. There was a period of time I didn't outwardly believe in love. The divorce rate is approximately 50% here and couples in my immediate family never made it. And at 13 I just thought I was much too sensible to put myself through any of that. Then I grew up a little and I thought to myself “well I do believe in love but I'm never going to fall in love with someone who can't love me back.” Fast forward a little a bit and I realized there's absolutely no sense or logic with who the heart wants. You're extremely lucky if you're heart and brain combined falls in love with someone who loves you back. Honestly, I admire the people that never let themselves experience unrequited love. Finally, everyone once in a blue moon (mostly during hospitalizations) I think to myself “Do I really want someone to fall in love with me? I'm a grenade.”
I used the word “grenade” because I just recently read “The Fault in Our Stars” by John Green. It's an amazing book and I suggest everyone go read it. SPOILER ALERT (not really): the female protagonist has a severe case of cancer. She's dying. And she really doesn't want to hurt anyone else when she dies. She calls herself a “grenade” because at any second she will die and everyone who loves her will be hurt. Growing up with a terminal illness I know how easy it is to feel that way. Eventually though, you mature and you realize you may or may not die before your family and friends. The crazy thing about life is we are all dying. I've always had a number in my head but I try my best not to to think of it. Perfectly healthy people die every day in accidents. I love myself enough now not to consider myself a grenade. People who love me and the person who will fall in love with me know what they are getting into with me and I can't stop them. These people still love me regardless.
So now when you read my poem you know. I just didn't want people to freak out. I've actually been really happy lately. Happiness is a change I wanted to make with in myself so I'm doing it. But I'm an artist, I have my days. Remember the greatest artists in history were a little crazy.
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