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Monday, November 2, 2015

Long Time no Blog

(I had to take a break but I'm back again. I've come up with a new direction for my blog and I have lots of ideas.)

No one ever tells you...sometimes you won't feel anything and that is okay as long as you learn how to feel again in the relatively near future.

For those of you that haven't been keeping up with me, I recently moved into my very own apartment. It's a process I had started at 18 that I had given up on in recent years. Starting in May of this year I received notice that I had a meeting with the Seattle Housing Authority saying that I needed to come to an orientation meeting or I would be taken off the list. So I went not really expecting much. At the meeting I was told that one of the apartments I signed up for may have an available unit within the next 6 months to a year. It was excited and it was a time frame that felt realistic considering everything I would need to do.

Two months later it's July and I got a phone call from the apartment saying there was a unit available and I should look at it so I could sign the lease. And just like that my excitement started its descent into a feeling of dread. I didn't have the benefits I needed. I didn't have my caregivers lined up. I didn't even know how to start the whole process. It was now or never on the apartment though so I took a deep plunge and signed the lease.

Like a fool I gave myself a few months to move out of my mother's house. I had no time or energy to let myself feel much of any. I felt if I got too excited it wouldn't happen. If I got too worried I'd crack under the pressure and never move. I've never done well with too many emotions. I suppose I like to suppress them until I know how to better handle them.

Now I've been in my apartment for a week and I want to be super excited because I did this. Ecstasy is the appropriate response to this transition in my life. I have wanted to live on my own for years. And we live in a society that tells us to to always be doing and feeling something. For a few months I haven't felt anything. I haven't even been able to write anything decent. But today I woke up and I felt something other than well controlled apathy. I felt wonder that I actually did this. And I felt gratitude to everyone that helped me with my apartment and who will continue to help me. And I felt like writing which is always a good sign. I'm sure that soon I will feel happiness and excitement again.

It's okay to feel nothing when everyone expects you to feel a whole bunch of something. Life goes by fast and sometimes you might need time to process all the changes. Just try not to dwell too long in the world of apathy for it is gray and life is full of color.