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Wednesday, January 8, 2014

What is time?

[I'll preface this post by saying I suck at blogging and NEVER know what to write. I haven't posted anything in a long time because I've been working on my poetry and novels. It happens to be a new year though, so let's give this another try.]

I love time. I detest time. I wish I had more of it but I don't want an infinite supply because then I wouldn't appreciate it. The beauty of time is the scarcity of it. The concept of time occupies my mind more than that of the average 21 year old. But I'm not average and that gives me wisdom. Wisdom in turn, is my double-edged sword. I feel blessed with wisdom. I feel cursed.

A few days ago Muscular Dystrophy robbed another friend of mine of life. He was one of the most genuine, kindest men I ever had the pleasure of knowing. He had the sageness of a man twice his age and the humor of someone who loved life. I've known him forever (when I was young our few years age difference felt insurmountable) but I just started getting close to him in the last few years. It's one of the best decisions I've made.

Unfortunately, I've loss too many friends, all under 30, at the hands of MD. The worst part is my heart has been broken by so many deaths that when I learn of a new one I experience numbness. It thaws eventually but still. Even worse, death doesn't surprise me any more. I've shut parts of myself off because I can't handle letting anyone else in and having them leaving me because of death or otherwise. However, my friends that have passed, they'd want me to keep loving. It's a persistent internal fight for me to remind my heart to keep loving. Stay open, stay beating.

My friends have taught me what time is. It's moments in the presence of loved ones. It's doing what makes you happy because in the end does it matter what the world thought? I'm not a patient person, I guess because when I seek it I see my clock ticking. I see the minute hand gaining speed like it's faulty. I get obsessed with thoughts of the future when all that matters is now. I have to work on being patient and appreciating all that is now. Tomorrow is nothing but a tease that will never pull through. Time is now. Literally.

Half of what I do with my time, I do for my friends that aren't with me. I love because they loved. Hate is a virus that thrives on time and energy I don't have. I laugh because they laughed. I keep living because life does not revolve around death. To waste what precious time I have left is a disgrace to the memories of those I've lost. If they had one one more day, hour, they wouldn't have squandered it. They don't want me to squander it.

Everyone is born with a clock that has a number of predetermined ticks. Tick. Some people have more. Tick. Some people have less. Tick. What is time to you? Tick. Do you make the tick of your clock worthwhile? Tick...